shell of humanity

I’ve been thinking of how I left the system lately. Many of you reading this have had the same experience. It seems the basic elements are the same.

We went to church, either raised in it or joined later in life, then through growth and exploration or just plain fatigue grew tired of the way “Christianity” operated. We seemed to see through the manipulation or greed or just saw the lack of similarities between the Jesus in the Bible and the Jesus we saw in the “church”. So with tears and fights and loss of friends we separated ourselves.

Now we find others on the outside of the walls and begun to cling to each other. We began to learn from each other and from God rather than a man or system. Thinking about the way most of us left the system got me thinking of similarities.

The way we left seems similar to someone growing up. A child is raised and does what the parents say. They grow older and start showing their independence. It may look like rebellion, but without this separation the child’s growth is stunted. How would it look to see a grown man still hanging on his mothers skirt at the store? Still having to have his food cut up? Still living at home? No job, no wife, no house of his own?

It starts with the man separating himself from the family system and becoming his own person. Without it he would be dysfunctional. This is how I’ve come to think of leaving the system. When we were young in the faith we needed parents to guide us. We needed to stay close. But as we grew we needed independence. We needed to become our own person. To our “parents” it looked like rebellion. To the leaders it looked like we were going against God, but what if we were simply becoming a

‘teenager”? What if we were experimenting with who we are? It may lead to mistakes. It may lead to consequences. It may lead to all sorts of bad things, but without those, how shallow would we be? If we never tried things, if we never ventured out, we would be shells of humanity. We wouldn’t have the human experience if we never made mistakes.

I think a lot of the people that leave have this moment of “rebellion” similar to kids that go off to college. They are on their own for the first time. They have no parents making the decisions, no one watching their every move.  They might eat pizza every day of the week. They may drink alcohol. They may have sex or do drugs. They may make mistakes, but the majority of people don’t stay like that forever. Some do, and that’s their decision, but most learn that you cant eat unhealthy forever, you can’t drink and do drugs forever, you cant have sex with whoever you want forever. Things balance out.

We as “heretics” or “free believers” leave the parental system of the church. We feel bad sleeping in on Sundays, but oh so good at the same time. It feels naughty. We may stop feeling guilty about enjoying sex, or swearing or drinking.  We may even sin but we KNOW we are forgiven. Some might call this
“abusing grace”. I see this as a transitional period. Not that you need to go back to feeling guilty about these things anymore. It will balance out. We become responsible independent adults.

We can spent time with our parents not as children, not as below them, but equals, as adults. Some of our  “parents” wanted us to be under them forever. Always learning and needing them.  This seems like a distorted relationship to me now. Always at home. Never leaving. Never growing. Never separating. I know now that I was just becoming an adult. Strangely enough, for me it was similar in timeline to actually becoming an adult. I’m still learning. I’m still making mistakes, and I’m still separating from “parents” and leaders. I don’t want to be a shell of humanity anymore.

like a lamb to slaughter…

So if you know me and friended me on facebook for the past few years, you know my story. Long story short – Good boy. Grew up in Church. Almost a pastor. Left Church altogether seemingly at random. Pissed off almost everyone. Made a website and podcast. Lost free time…. So i’ve been busy and unable to attend my heresy duties… New Year made me realize i loved this stuff and should tryy to manage my time better so i can get to all the things i love. Oh Heresy, how i’ve missed thee…

For some of my past writings check out the oft ignored

http://pullingthreads.wordpress.com/

The main person that has had a problem with my heresy is my father. I think he was so proud that his weird son was going to be a pastor. It really threw him for a loop when i up and left the church. Most everyone else in the church shrugged their shoulders at it. “Oh well… The kid we’ve known forever just randomly leaves the church he grew up in right as he’s about to become a minister” You would think more people would ask you questions… Hmmm… Unless they know in their hearts WHY…

 

Anyways, The time of the leaving i worked for/with my father. This cause enough “friction” add in some heresy and it makes for a volatile situation to say the least. There were many yelling matches and accusations and name calling and stuff thrown. It was bad. He often goaded me into conversations by asking what i thought in a specific area of theology. Not to brag or sound like a douche-bag, but my father is not the most well read man. He is not dumb, but he prefers street to book when it comes to smarts. He is very talented in many areas, but I did not acquire my love of words from him. Maybe my spelling skills… Anyways, I like to read. I read and study theology books. I listen to podcasts and sermons. At least i did. The information I crammed in my brain drove people nuts, because i couldnt get enough. The more i learned the more i had to share it or process it and i tended to do this out loud. I couldnt help but respond when my father showed me a homophobic “Christian” e-mail. Or he seemed to bring up “Universalism” or “Emergent” even though he didnt REALLY know what he was talking about. All he knew was his son seemed to be into “New Age crap” that you always were warn’d against in church. You always heard “Universalism is stupid and wrong” and never had the conversation, “What kind of loving God makes a horrible never ending torture chamber for his children? Isn’t that 100 times worse than hitler?”

Not that i AM a universalist, or a homosexual advocate. But im not saying i’m not either. I am really undecided. I am on the side HOPING homosexuals go to heaven along with my Buddhist family and Muslim neighbors. Even them “Evil Catholics”… This was my life for months… Go to work, start cleaning something AND THEN

“Hey Kameron, do you think the Bible is the infallible perfect Word of God?”

“Well… The Bible only calls Jesus the Word of God, not itself, which would be odd if it did cause it wasn’t put together till way later…”

“I knew it! He doesnt believe the Bible! He thinks its all lies!”

There i go thinking again…

So for many reasons i quit working full time for my father. It was probably for the best. Less contact, the better. Less chances. So i’m in the shop shooting the breeze and a conversation starts about a post on Face book. My father started in on some Heretic friends about the devil and God and free will, ultimate reconciliation, universalism and other light  stuff. I try and stay out as much as possible. He still brings it up. Normally i would tell him what im working through or some theories or the other side of the coin… but this time i dont. I am fairly silent. I nod. Try to be agreeing. See his side. Don’t retaliate. Now, i’m going to take this as growth on my side. I don’t know if it is, but i’m taking it as growth. The old angry me would have struck back. The new angry me sees it easier to not talk about it. To not throw the ball back. To let it fall to the ground. I’m not sure if he was disappointed i didnt talk back. Maybe This is how it should be. I’ve never tried this before, but i have a feeling this is how most of you handle it with your “orthodox” family.

My grandmother is the other driving force. She has forcefully tried to stop me from ministering without a “umbrella” ministry over me. She has tried to break up my home gatherings. She has tried to trip me up by forcing me to visit people in the hospital and giving my Christmas gifts to poor people and see if i react poorly. She has bad mouthed me to family, friends and ministers. I have read the e-mails about me. I have heard about the conversations lasting an hour or more about how wrong or bad or hypocritical i am. Because of me a friendship has been broken up. Bad things were said. And she wanted recently to get together and talk about it. It has been many months and one of the last major  “incidents” i made it clear that i wouldn’t care if i ever saw her again… and i am left with the decision. To leave things be, or have coffee and possible drudge up all that has settled… Think, think, think…

NEW AND IMPROVED!

As most of you reading this know, there has been little seen of “the heresy” as of late. Many factors contributed to this, mostly work and life and such, but i hope to bring it back as much as possible. If that means podcasts, awesome. Maybe it’s just blogs and posts. This is my attempt. A Blog. So if i see funny stuff, or thought provoking, or actually write something, i’ll put it up here. If there’s something you think i should see, send it to me. Or my facebook. and Here..we..go….

Who I am part 4

The last of the first…

Who I am 3

Part 3!

Who I am part 2

Part 2 of my wacky exodus!

Who I am part 1

This is my first shot at a video blog so bear with me. I wanted to show the people who have read my stuff online to see what i look like live…or at least on video. It might give us a chance to connect a little better if we are more than words on a page to each other. These next four videos go through who I used to be and how I got out of “church”. My little heretic testimony…